at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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