what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
