We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
