I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
