btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
