i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
