That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
