I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
