I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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