True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
