Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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