she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
And then he peed in my hair
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
