Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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