It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize