i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
