I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
