Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize