Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
