By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
