Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
