i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
