i just sent this text using only my big toe
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
