I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
