I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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