So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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