i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
