so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
