kristin has been a bad kristin
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
