I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
