im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
