i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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