i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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