I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She bit a glass in half.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
