Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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