regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
