One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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