if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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