Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
