I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
