Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize