Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
love makes seman taste better
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
