she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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