is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
