I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize