i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
