I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
