i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
