He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think my moral compass just broke
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
