you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
