i think my tv is drunk
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
