Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize