i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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