was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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