How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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