I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
