His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
