I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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