She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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