how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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