Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I could fuck to npr.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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