That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
