genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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