i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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