On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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