My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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