Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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