If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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