She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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