You made me cry and you don't even care
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
